Just jump

Today I had a realization. A very real one, one that I wish I would've figured out earlier. At 24, I've realized that I haven't jumped enough! Jump what? Like hopping or? I haven't been jumping in life. I feel as if I haven't been using my time seriously, and I may not have noticed this if it weren't for the many deep and awkward conversations that I've had late at night after work with my Little. Or the talks Jake and I have had on road trips with no service for days. For all those hours spent in lockdown and quarantine, from working from home and being put in awkward situations working in the food industry. I realized that I was scared.

Scared of what though? How was I supposed to know, I was new to adulthood. Just out of college in my first real-life career, in a career that doesn't relate to my degree at that. But hey they have benefits and everything! I do appreciate the security of the job and I do love what I do because, at the end of the day, I feel like I'm making a difference and I'm happy with that. After Jake and I's annual beach road trip, I started looking for new jobs. We had talked a lot along Highway 1 about both of our lives and points in life where we wish we were and should be, looking at 5-year goals and how we could work on ourselves mentally and physically. I truly felt like this was such a growing phase for us, individually and together. I had realized that he felt better because he felt accomplished. I didn't. I felt like there was so much more I could've done to make my life a little easier, for now, the present day.

Connections. I should've made more connections. Not friends, but professionally. I didn't use my time wisely in college, I should've done more. I should've gone to more school functions and barbecues. I should've applied for more internships and just worked harder. I should've worked through the institution more and gotten my money and times worth out of it!! I realized here that I was half-assing a lot. This was only noticed when I wasn't drinking and Jake called me on it. I almost couldn't handle hearing it. Was I? I looked, made excuses, played victim. He was right. Damn him, for the first time, Jake was right. I had let myself go. I was overweight, using financial aid to pay for beauty products to make me look better on the outside. I didn't need it, but at the time I didn't know any better and refused to listen to others that cared for me and I simply didn't want to listen. I found was that I actually felt pretty empty. I was scared.

I was scared of failing. I didn't know where to start in getting a job for a starting career. I feel like I didn't make enough connections and get close enough with professors for letters of recommendation. I couldn't use them as references to vouch for how hard I worked. I was watching my sorority sisters kick ass making big moves, so proud of them. All of their hard work was paying off and still is now, and I couldn't help but compare myself. I couldn't be jealous but oh boy was I! I couldn't help myself. Here I see these women in the same shoes and all they did was make the time and dedicated themselves to the things they wanted to. I tried but hadn't tried hard enough. I was scared.

After making these realizations, I had to stick to my word and just do more. I needed to utilize my time more wisely. I started getting up earlier and doing my paperwork and bills with my coffee. I'd call and make my appts on my lunch, try and pick through so extra clothes I didn't need when I'd be getting dressed. Doing this consistently for a few months was a major eye-opener, and I'm kicking myself in the ass for not doing it sooner!! Consistencey. Routine. Schedule. As cliche as it is, it works. I noticed my weight loss was consistent and was staying OFF! This was something I had never been lucky with before. I was noticing my relationship with not only my partner, but my friends and family were healthier. I had to admit to myself that I was down in the dumps, to shake it off, and move on. I needed to put my oldself behind me, and focus on what I could change within myself to be happy to carry on into the future. I wasn't scared anymore, and to be quite honest, I don't know why I ever was.

Now, I'm not in a position to go back and change what I couldn't get done in college, but I could change how my life is currently going. I took a step back and didn't like how much I was making and how I was acting out towards others, I needed to change; I had to work on myself. Little things had been being worked on, and I was stepping up in work. I had my routine down and I'm at a weight I'm pleasant with. I was finally beginning to love myself, and be proud of who I was, what I had been through, my accomplishments. It's like I had forgotten who I was. How does one even do that? Forget who they are? Well, when life happens and you try to help everyone else first, you tend to set your things and yourself aside. It's life, it happens!! Set your boundaries! Set time aside for yourself, it's a must. Prioritize! From your daily tasks to your emotions. I hadn't done of this for so long, and it had been showing so much so, that Jake had to say something for me to come back to reality. I'm glad he did, because I was able to bounce back and get back on my feet. Now it's time to shine, stick to my guns, put on my big girl shoes and go finish conquering the world. You never know what's going to happen if you don't take that jump. Just jump and spread your wings wide, you may never know what you'll accomplish.